Separated at Birth?

Hey, don't blame me... just an observation.

You might be a Redneck

"You can call us rednecks if you want; we're not offended, because we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary."

-- Jeff Foxworthy

"Thank you for your service and your sacrifice"

--Gary

"A campfire story from Hell" - making a left turn in L.A.

One of my major complaints about driving in L.A. is the inability of most people to make a left turn at an intersection. Instead of pulling into the intersection (lesson #4 in Driver's Ed) they wait behind the crosswalk till the light changes. Well, that leaves everyone else behind them have to suffer through another cycle of the traffic light. It used to bother me a lot more before a friend taught me to appreciate the solitude my time in the car gave me. Maybe the DMV should show this video to everyone before they get their licence. If they can do it in India they can do it in Brentwood.

Separated at Birth?

Not sure but has anyone ever seen Mike Huckabee & Kevin Spacey at the same place at the same time?

"A campfire story from Hell" Poodle Nightmare follow -up

I forgot to mention that the poodle in the dream had the that stupid poodle haircut.

Only made it more embarrassing. (sigh)

Surfin USA

Well, it seems like the arguments about water boarding continues. While some try to draw a moral equivalency between what we do to extract information to the practice of beheadings, genital mutilation and beatings practiced by our enemies the threat of another massive terrorist attack is looming. The need to get information from jihadists when we catch them is a vital part of intelligence gathering. If we need to scare someone into telling us what they know lets get to it.

Torture! Its torture they yell. How can you strap someone to a board, throw a wet towel over their face and pour some water over the towel till the subject thinks he’s going to drown? Well, actually it’s pretty easy. All you need is a board, some duct tape or rope (either works fine), a towel, a bucket or watering can and some water. I would bet that it’s stuff that you already have in the garage or can get at a local Home Depot. Something else you may already have is a car battery and jumper cables. Strategically placed in an important part of the male anatomy and now you have real torture. And we are not doing that.

There is a big difference between true torture and what our interrogators are doing to try to get information that may save an American city from a chemical, biological or nuclear attack that could kill a whole bunch of your friends and family. The opponents of enhanced interrogations argue that torture is not effective because people will say anything to make it stop and you won’t get good information from them. Let’s say that that’s true. It seems that the two high value subjects that were subjected to water boarding did give us information that led to the capture of people directly involved in the 9/11 attacks. So either torture works or water boarding isn’t torture. You can’t have it both ways.

Let’s stop comparing ourselves to people who want to imprison and whip rape victims. Let’s stop fooling ourselves into thinking that if we are nice to the people who want to kill us maybe they’ll learn to like us and leave us alone. Let the experts continue to do their jobs in the shadows and getting the information they need to protect us. If that means a little time on the board or forced watching of Ellen reruns go for it. A little discomfort never killed anyone. A car bomb parked in the middle of Westwood or Columbus Circle will.

So load up the van, strap the boards to the roof and turn up the radio. I think I hear Brian Wilson… “Everybody’s going surfin… surfin USA”

“A campfire story from Hell” – Poodle nightmare

I’m not sure why but Friday night I had a strange nightmare. I dreamed that I was being attacked by a standard poodle.

What the hell was that about?

The case against making sex videos

Ok this isn’t really about sex videos but what better way to get your attention. The video that has gotten more attention than one staring Paris Hilton is one I’m glad we’ll never see. It seems that someone at the CIA decided to record the interrogations of two of the terrorists that were involved in financing and planning the attacks on 9/11. I’m not sure what was on their mind but just like making a sex video one should not record something that might not be pleasant for someone else to watch.

I’m willing to admit that I’m not half as attractive as Paris Hilton and I’m equally sure that no one is interested in seeing me on video. (Although the thought of it as a way to get terrorists to confess might convince me to start the camera) Whatever methods that the CIA interrogators used to break these animals down in order to save American lives are ok by me. Despite what the ACLU, Congressional Democrats and some of the other enemies of our country think, these folks who have been captured are entitled to neither Constitutional nor Geneva Convention protections. The attempt to try and twist the definitions to allow these terrorists access to our courts is both dangerous and shortsighted. The don’t seem to understand; the terrorists hate them too.

The CIA by destroying the tapes accomplished two things: they prevented the identities of the interrogators from becoming public which would place their lives in jeopardy and they flushed out the members of congress that we can add to the list of terrorist sympathizers. Yes, I know they say that he tapes were destroyed to prevent us from seeing that the current administration is engaged in torture. They postulate that we need to expose the methods we use so they will not continue and we can restore America’s moral standing in the world. To be honest with you I really don’t care whether our enemies like us or not. For members of congress to try to equate our morality to people who strap bombs to their children, hack off the heads of journalists with dull swords and want to execute a teacher for letting 7 year olds name a stuffed teddy bear Mohammad is mind boggling.

According to the CIA they used a procedure known as water boarding to extract information fro two high value targets. If you are not sure what water boarding is watch the movie G.I. Jane. (Is it just me or does Demi Moore look hot with a shaved head?) The procedure is regularly used in on our own military during special operations training. If it’s ok to use it on our own troops, it’s ok to use on a guy who was responsible for murdering 9 of my friends at the World Trade Center. Actually if I had been responsible for the interrogations our two Middle Eastern guests would have looked forward to water boarding like an LA girl looks forward to a trip to Burke- Williams.

Fortunately even as inept as parts of our intelligence services are they know enough not to trust members of congress with secrets. The video would have been leaked to the same people who thought it was important for our enemies to know that we were tracking their phone calls from Ramadi. Until we can rid the halls of Congress of those who give aid and comfort to our enemies I have a word of advice to the CIA. Leave the video taping to the experts. Jenna Jamison is doing just fine in providing us entertainment.

My Global Warming Fears

Even with all the apocalyptic predictions from the proponents of global warming it wasn’t until today that I actually saw something that made me quiver. No, it wasn’t the unseasonable cold that has hit Los Angeles the last few nights but something I really had not considered. If you’re expecting the answer now, I’m sorry but you are going to have to wait till the end. With the writer’s strike in its 6th week I figured a cliffhanger might come in handy right about now.

With all the hysteria surrounding this issue and constantly being told if we wait another minute it will be too late to save the planet I’m wondering why bother. Didn’t we hear last year if we waited till this year it would be too late? I think I heard the same thing the year before. They are starting to sound like the doctor who told the patient that he had six months to live. When the patient told the doctor he didn’t quite have enough money to pay the bill the doctor gave him another six months.

Look I’m not sure that the entire earth is getting warmer. I’m sure there are some spots that are getting colder. Let us for arguments sake agree that the earth’s temperature will rise by a few degrees in the next decade. So What? Who to say that the temperatures we have now is the optimal temperature anyway. Maybe we would be better off if things were a bit warmer. We would be using less heating oil. Climates that once sustained crop growth in areas that are now barren might return. Does anyone wonder why it was once called Greenland?

If it is actual global warming why must the United States bear the brunt of the blame and the responsibility to correct it anyway? Of all the other developed countries we produce more food, medicine and useful products from every pound of carbon than the rest of the world combined. Despite Al Gore’s crusade to portray us as the great evil and the point of the spear for global destruction, it is America that will always be the best hope for progress and freedom in history. Mr. Gore’s obsession with trying to make us live like a third world country as he jets around the world sticking a knife in our backs is the height of elitist hypocrisy.

Ok. Flashback to the opening scene where the audience learns what horrible revelation scared me so much that I had to sit down and write this. I’ll try to paint the picture.

Me standing next to an increasingly corpulent Al Gore dripping his porcine like sweat onto my suit. Do you know how hard it is to get sweat stains out of a Zegna suit? Oh the horror!

In the words of Bill Clinton "You should put a little ice on that"

To all the girls I've loved before

Well I know a bunch of guys that wish this had been available a few years ago. I think that it's a more important discovery than Viagra or any of the other assorted ED medication whose commercials I have to suffer through.

XXX MAS

When did Christmas become the new pornography? Has the sight of a Christmas tree or a nativity scene in public become so offensive that the have to be taken out of sight?

We are constantly told that we have to be tolerant of displays and billboards of half naked men and women, subjected to obscene depictions of masochist sex that hang on the walls of our art museums and bombarded by rap lyrics that insult women. If we protest we are labeled sexist, racist or homophobic and we should just deal with it. If we don’t like what we see or hear we just not look or listen. Any effort to protect our children from having to be subjected to this is called censorship and we’re accused of violating the “artists” civil rights. Why can’t Santa get the same protection?

First a short lesson on the first amendment. It was written to protect citizens from the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT and it was to protect POLITICAL SPEECH.

If turning away from what offends us is good enough for a picture of a crucifix in a jar of urine why isn’t it good enough for a baby, a few shepherds and handful of sheep? Can’t the folks who are offended by that just turn away? A suggestion to anyone who wants to put a nativity scene out in public; position the shepherds behind the sheep. Santa and the elves are annoying someone. Have the elves engage in a daisy chain. The ACLU will fight to stop that from being removed.

I happen to enjoy seeing scantily clad women, well most of them, but not everyone does. If a big enough segment of the population is offended they will let the people who are displaying it know. When I’m offended by things that I see and hear I don’t support the folks who display it, say it or write it. That’s my right… it’s not censorship… it’s called not giving sponsorship.

So all of you that don’t like to see Christmas trees, hear Merry Christmas or are offended by red and green lights I have some advice. Get Over It. It will be over soon and you can get back to being upset about something else.

If we can protect pornography we can find the time to protect the symbols of Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all